Aka How to Stop Putting Yourself on the Back Burner, How to Stop Putting Yourself Last, How to Start Actually Prioritizing Your Needs, How to Start Taking Care of You
What Self-Abandonment Feels Like
You don’t know how you got here, but here you are. You’re totally overextended both mentally and physically. You’re always helping and serving others. In fact, you often feel like you’re “bending over backwards” for them. You tell yourself you’ll make time for you, but that time always seems to slip away. And slowly, but surely, resentment builds inside of you because no one returns the favor. No one takes care of you like you take care of them…
You tell yourself it’s okay, you’re not burned out. Because if you were, you’d totally be falling apart already. Like on the floor. Having a complete mental breakdown. So because that hasn’t happened yet, you’re fine. You can keep going. Right?
Wrong! This friends, is self abandonment. We get it, it sounds like a lot. And you know what? It is. You’re literally disregarding your needs for the sake of others. You’re ignoring the signals from your mind and body. All the while you’re gaslighting yourself and wondering what’s wrong with you. Sound familiar?
You’re Headed For Burnout (if you’re not there Already)
You’ve gotten to the point where you’ve convinced yourself that taking care of your own needs is uncomfortable. So, you’re not taking care of your basic needs because it feels weird. You’re not asking for what you need because it feels too confrontational. You’re not setting boundaries because it feels like you’re not allowed. You’re constantly imagining the worst case scenario of doing any of these things. You’re stuck in all or nothing thinking, mind-reading. It all feels so real, you don’t even know you’re doing it.
But you are slowly slipping away from yourself. You’re finding it harder and harder to keep up. Your energy is dwindling. Your mindset and mood is on the decline. And you just can’t seem to pick yourself back up. On top of all of it, you judge and shame yourself for it.
You’re not alone
As a high achieving woman, you’ve likely been conditioned to think and feel this way, perhaps for a lifetime. You also see it as normal in society, or in your colleagues. You probably compare yourself to others in your circle or on social media. And it especially happens if you’ve experienced working in a field where your work is considered a calling, or it’s strongly tied to your identity. This is super common in nursing and helping professions, in leadership roles, and in entrepreneurship.
It’s also highly likely that you’re used to seeking and receiving validation and recognition from others, but find it hard to validate yourself. You probably also have low self worth and this drives you to do things like work really hard and achieve. Although you’re actually trying to fill that void with the wrong thing.
How We Shift in Practice
We see this pattern in our practice all the time. A big part of the work we do is helping our clients understand the thinking patterns and mindsets that got them here and how to reframe them. We also help them see where they may be projecting their own fears, doubts, and insecurities onto others (hint this is a BIG one!). We transform their inner critics into their biggest cheerleaders. We work on improving communication and self advocacy skills. We help them reconnect with themselves and their bodies to see what their needs are and how they can start meeting those needs. And we talk a lot about self love and acceptance.
We use a combination of education, deep coaching and reflection, mental rehearsal, and visualization. We do a lot of work around your identity, your conditioning and programming, and what motivation and success mean to you.
How to Get Started On Your Own
If you want to live a joyful life without imminent burnout and resentment, this is 100% possible. But, you gotta start taking care of yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
You need to teach yourself that you’re worthy, that you matter, and that you don’t belong on the back burner. You can’t help anyone from there anyways!
You need to learn to advocate for yourself and what you need, and also that it’s going to be okay when you do. Often, it’s going to work out a lot better than you expect!
You need to commit to yourself and follow through on those commitments, no matter how small. You’re literally going to teach yourself and your body all the things, create new mental patterns, new habits, and and a new relationship with yourself.
The Reminder You Need Right Now
Let’s take a cue from aviation, shall we? You gotta put on your oxygen mask first!!! Even if you’ve worked in a profession or spent time in an environment that’s made you feel like you have to be second. Even if you feel that helping others is noble, your calling, meaningful, or your purpose.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. You taking care of yourself actually puts in the *best* position to do all the things. So if you want to think of it like this, you taking care of you is actually the most productive thing you can do.
Think, Less But Better so you can reduce the overwhelm and actually gain more – clarity, space, intention, focus, presence.
10 Ways to get Started:
1. Give yourself permission to start loving and taking care of yourself right now. You are worthy as you are, unrelated to anything else, any achievements, or anything outside yourself.
2. Do your best to stop judging and “should-ing” yourself – you’ve done the best you can with the resources you’ve had at the time, and judging yourself won’t help you heal.
3. Reframe judgment with curiosity.
4. Take space for yourself to reflect and journal on what your needs are and how you can meet them, even in small ways.
5. Strengthen your own sense of self trust and stability by making and keeping a small commitment to yourself – even something simple like 5 minutes to have a brain break, 15 minutes to do a hobby or something just for fun!
6. When you’re tempted to say you don’t mind or you’ll be flexible or go along with what someone else wants, pause and ask yourself what you really want. Take up space and verbalize it.
7. Start asking for what you need, even if that feels strange.
8. Visualize and mentally rehearse the best case scenario of situations you’re worried about.
9. Self assess when and where you might be projecting your worries and fears onto others. You know, when you assume you know what someone else is thinking? But then they weren’t at all, it’s what YOU were thinking…And you hurt your own feelings by mistake? Yes, that. See where you can identify that in your own life.
10. Practice having your own back and validating yourself. This can look like reframing negative thoughts, journaling about small wins, and asking – how can I nourish myself today?
Don’t Stay Stuck
Life gets to look different than it has, and it can be so much better than it’s been when you actually start to shift your mindset about your relationship with you, when you take care of yourself, and when you heal all that baggage!
What’s Next?
If this article resonated with you and you’d like support in working through these things, we might be the coaches for you! We would love to offer you a (no pressure) complimentary call to discuss your unique situation. Click here to schedule a complimentary session with either of us!
Sara and Stacy are holistic nurses and transformative mindset coaches working with clients around the world! They believe that the inner work creates your outer results and that you can truly be Well and Whole every day.
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