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As women, and especially high achieving ones, we’ve been conditioned to seek external validation – meaning we love, and often overly rely on, the recognition that comes from others telling us how well we’re doing, how hard we’re working, or how we have it all together.

Honestly? It feels great to be told you’re doing something right. It feels even better to be told you’re amazing and there’s no one else who can do what you do. And as a high achiever, you are probably very used to hearing this. You might even love it!

What’s the problem with external validation?

So, what’s the problem? When you rely on external validation and you don’t get it, you feel awful. It becomes a prize, something to chase, and a way to measure yourself. And just like that, before you know it,  you’ve given all your power away. Your emotions totally depend on getting positive feedback from others.

The thing is, you can only really ever control yourself. But this is also good news. Once you shift from relying on what’s outside of you and instead look inward, everything gets better. You stop chasing, you’re at peace with yourself, and you can even trust yourself more. 

Can I really learn to validate myself?

In a word, yes! And it’s simpler than you think. Does it take time? Of course. But it’s completely worth it.  Shifting your mindset around this is like creating a new habit. If you’ve never imagined your thoughts as habits, you’re not alone. It’s also a huge breakthrough and realization for a lot of our clients too!

What we’re doing here is exactly that! We’re going to shift a few key thoughts and beliefs and over time this will just become the way you think and the way you are.

So how can you make the shift?

This is particularly important in the areas of self worth, and joy. Why? Because what you attach your worth to is ultimately what controls you. So if that’s something outside of you, you’ll always struggle to feel truly happy and confident. So, we’re here to help you take your power back. 

And what about joy? If you’re anything like our clients, seeking the big moments of joy can be so much easier than finding joy in the small things. They’re literally not used to it! The problem? The big things have a lot more space and time in between, and often include things outside your control. So it’s really important to know that you can access joy on your own terms in daily moments that you can savor without much effort. Once again, this helps you keep you empowered, knowing you can access this at any time.

1. Detach from what’s outside your control

Some examples:

  • Results
  • Compensation
  • Feedback
  • Being needed
  • Putting fires out
  • Saving the day

These are all things that are, to varying degrees, outside of your control. These are also things we’re used to assigning a lot of meaning to in terms of how worthy we feel about ourselves. Appreciate your own efforts and show gratitude when you get commendation, but be careful about how much importance you’re attaching to it.

2. Reconnect to what’s inside of you and inside of your control

In contrast to what’s outside your control, what’s totally within your control is:

  • Your willingness to show up and try
  • Trusting the process
  • Trusting yourself
  • Your effort
  • Your creativity and your ability to innovate
  • Your attitude
  • Your mindset

These are all things that you are within your control! You decide how you want to show up, if you’ll be consistent and put in the effort. You choose to trust the process and you can learn to deepen your trust in yourself. You can see what happens when you do or don’t trust yourself! Your qualities like creativity and innovation matter more than any outcome. And your attitude and mindset are also within your power to shift into the most powerful tools you have!

Doing the work

Making this shift takes time, but it’s one of the most important things you can do in your personal development journey! We suggest taking some time to reflect and journal. See what comes up. Assess where you are now and visualize yourself when you’re where you’d love to be. Maybe one area sticks out more than others, and this is a great place to start. 

We know there’s a lot of good stuff in here, and we also know that even if it’s called the “inner” work, you’re not meant to do it alone. Wanna try a complimentary session with one of us to get this sorted out? Here’s a link to book !


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Transformational mindset coaches, expansion enthusiasts, travel lovers, creatives, hobby connoisseurs, nurses, dreamers, joy-seekers, and real-life twin sisters helping highly successful women live Well and Whole

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