With my head leaning into hand, trying to find any semblance of steadiness amongst the literal turbulence of that tiny plane, I knew what was coming. For once, I surrendered. And in the least dramatic way, I felt myself grab the barf bag from under my leg…

I brought it to my mouth and you know what happened next.

Tears streaming down my face, I felt a strange sense of acceptance. Not to mention the relief from the fact that there was no mess whatsoever haha. I thanked past me for having a tissue in her pocket too. But I digress…

Facing My Fears

Moments later, I actually smiled. I realized something. Something BIG. I had just faced one of my worst fears, and guess what? I didn’t die!!!

Fun fact about me and my fears – throwing up on a plane is actually one of my WORST FEARS!!!

Among other fears, or general things I avoid doing and feeling, like:

• Throwing up (generally speaking)
• Throwing up on a plane and there’s no barf bag (a lot of airlines don’t have them in the seat back pockets anymore! But do you sense a pattern?) 
• Failure
• Disappointment in any form – myself or others
• Sounding dumb
• Sounding dumb speaking French (hello, expat life!)
• Wasting time and money

(And yes, there’s so much to unpack here – another time)

But Let’s Go Back to the Beginning…

Excited to finally make it to Milford Sound on this, our third trip to New Zealand, Sara and I enthusiastically accepted my husband’s offer to take us on a scenic flight.

Little did I know the two words that would come to haunt me.

Mountain Flying.

Thanks to my pilot husband, I had been on enough small planes to have confidently accepted his invitation. I’ve flown with him on a two seater in the South of France. And last year, we flew for several hours on a small plane in Alaska to go see bears catch salmon in their mouths. Epic.

By all accounts, I was unconcerned. And that lasted about five minutes.

The Self Denial Begins

We began the flight and I hoped the life-affirming views would distract me from the almost instant knowing that this was not going to be like the other flights. I tried to deny it. Ever optimistic, I thought, let’s consider this a mindset experiment!

My husband was flying us along with an experienced instructor. This was a literal dream come true for him. I’ll be fine, I said to myself. I have to be.

With my mind focused on avoiding my body, I continued to take pictures and hope for the best.

No Turning Back

We passed a ridge, and the instructor turned around to check on us. “Are we all okay?” he asked, somehow knowing that Sara and I indeed were not. We hesitated and then my husband turned around to see our answer.

“Yep!” I said, and we mustered our most convincing thumbs up.

The instructor told us we could turn around at any time if needed. And that, along with our exceedingly limited capacity for disappointing others, sustained us for the first half of the flight.

Holding it Together

Now, Sara gets motion sickness easier than me, so in the meantime, my mind was busy wondering, worrying, and hoping that she was going to be okay. I did what anyone recovering people pleaser and high functioning co-dependent person would do. I vowed to deny my own needs and just hold it together. For her.

I thought okay, if she sees me not being okay, she’s not going to be okay. I bravely and boldly tossed my needs out of the metaphorical window in hopes that it would somehow make things okay for her.

Self abandonment and the illusion of control. Classic.

Turns out she was doing the same thing for me, but neither of us said anything until we landed.

But Only For So Long

The amazing thing is that it actually worked!!

But only for so long – a metaphor for life, right? Because the story didn’t end there.

With our feet on the ground, the sun on our backs, and gorgeous scenery to distract our minds, we took a few photos and a few deep breaths. Okay, the worst is over, we hoped.

Desperate Times

In need of a break and some salt and sugar, we went to the cafe and got fries and coke. Let it be known that drinking coke for me is an obvious sign of defeat. Side note, I have an allergy to an additive that’s in most flavorings, so I avoid any and all flavored things like the plague.

Everyone knows this about me, and in fact, the last time I drank coke was when I got nauseated on my honeymoon. Two words. Sunrise Hike. The combination of jet lag, a 2 am pickup, an empty stomach, caffeinated coffee and banana pancakes (aka a blood sugar nightmare) did me no favors.

But back to this story.

Thinking we had remedied the situation, while at the same time instinctively knowing we were fooling ourselves once again, it was time to fly back.

Trusting My Gut

Something deep down inside me said, get that bag ready just in case… and I even put it under my leg so it wasn’t too obvious to anyone, especially Sara.

We hoped for the best, took off, and resumed taking pictures and videos. But all too quickly, the nausea came back. It took over and we quietly attempted to stabilize our heads and focus on the horizon.

With the cat out of the bag, we had both lost the will to “hold ourselves together.”

And then it happened.

My intuition was spot on… and I was so glad I had that barf bag ready.

The Moral of the Story?

There’s actually three!

1 – You might be able to hold yourself together for quite a while thinking about not wanting to disappoint someone else, or feeling like you need to be strong for them, but eventually, you won’t!

2 – Trust your intuition and your body – no shame in having a barf bag ready in case 😂

3 – You can face your fear and you’re probably not going to die!!

Why I’m Actually Grateful

Truth be told, I would have probably never willingly faced this fear. It just happened. But I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve actually been operating from a place of fear in my own life.

Confession? It’s more than I want to be!

The Lesson?

In a strange way, this little adventure taught me a really good lesson and reframed my perspective on a few things.

Instead of operating from fear and self doubt, each day I ask myself where I want to be operating from instead. I get intentional and I remind myself of it. And it helps guide me and my decision making through my day.

My Questions for You:

• Where are you operating from? 
• Is it how you’d like to be? 
• Where are you trusting yourself and your body, and where are you not?
• When do you deny your own needs so you don’t have to face your fears?
• What fear do you need to face? 
• What’s on the other side of that fear?

If you’re the journaling type, I invite you to reflect and write about these things. See what comes up. And know that if you want, Sara and I here to provide a safe space for whatever that may be.

I’d Love to Hear From You!

If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you! Either in the comments, on social media, or send me an email at hello@livewellandwhole.com. 

-Stacy